It’s really hard to know what to write on a day like today. I’ve been planning this post all week and now suddenly when I sit down, my words vanish, poof!
Today is my daughter’s third birthday. But I hold no daughter in my arms, just my memories. Her tiny beautiful body, her perfect little hands, her daddy’s chin and grumpy look and her mummy’s eyes and nose. But when I think of her now, I see how much she and her little brother Alexander looked alike at birth and I know just like Alexander, she would have grown up looking more and more like her father.
The year like the two before it, have in some ways stood still, but in others they have flown by. Alexander keeps me pretty busy, but between Christmas and the 10th of January, the days all slow to a hault and also become a blur. Flashbacks to christmas day three years ago when everything was so perfect, boxing day and the days after, with all the plans and preparations and then comes the 30th of December, the day our little Elena vanished from our dreams and suddenly became the biggest hole in our lives forever.
For the most part, I am fine, in fact I’m doing great. I love my life with Alexander and I am the luckiest mummy alive to have two such beautiful children. I am kept busy, I work, I walk the dog and I look after my son. And I’m doing a fab job at it all. But I don’t do anything else to be honest. I find seeing people really hard, not because I’m sad or unhappy, but because I feel so embarrassed by myself. I don’t have much to talk about apart from me and Alex, I can’t carry on a proper conversation to save my life anymore, and retaining information is near impossible. So I shy away from going out because I am embarrassed by the lack of my contribution to a good time had. It probably stems down to recent events in the last year and a half too. I feel of no value to others anymore. But that’s on me, not anyone else. Of course my family are amazing and always tell me I am too, but lets face it, they are under a lifetime contract to like me. Without someone special or people who tell me they want to be around me, I feel like I add nothing to anyone elses life.
So it’s 2018, another year between me and when I held my daughter last. 2017 was a lovely year. I continue to grow stronger and try new things even if I get them vastly wrong. But like the years before, I hope that in 2018, I can continue to grow and to become a better person that maybe people want to actually be around. My only regrets for the last year are that I did not give Elena enough time. Time to grieve and mourn her, time to include her in her brother’s life and time to find a way to come to terms with her loss. I’m not sure it’ll ever happen as I just can’t forgive the world for taking her from me. I used to write to her every day, then it became every week and now I find the only time I giver her is between Christmas and the day of her funeral on the 10th of January. Today, her special day, I made her a birthday cake. Something simple and pretty. I wish it was a cake that reflected a life. Such as in the shape of her favourite teddy, animal or cartoon. But it’s not, it’s just my way of showing her I love her, then, now and forever!
The recipe for this cake is my victoria sponge which can be found in my archives. Same cake every year for tradition’s sake, but decorated differently each time with butter cream icing.
I forced my poor husband to come out for a walk with us and the dog and to take a family photo. I just want some nice memories on Elena’s birthday every year for Alexander’s sake.